A Book of Travellers' Tales, by Eric Newby

Oh, I love Eric Newby. He was born in 1919, and following a period as a POW spent his life in the fashion business and book publishing, writing such classics as "A Short Walk in the Hindu Kush" (one of my favourites), and "Slowly Down the Ganges."

In his travel writing he veers from the poetic and evocative to the downright hilarious, but in this travel compendium he has gathered some of the funniest and most poignant snippets I've ever read.The book covers over 2000 years of travel writing and over three hundred different authors, as disparate as Queen Victoria, T.E. Lawrence and Shackleton. It is, put simply a gem.

Read it cover to cover or dip in and out of its cool, refreshing waters on a hot, sticky day; what will strike you most is the fact that the experiences of travellers for the last two millenia have hardly changed at all. You'll find this reassuring next time you are being fleeced in Egypt, lose your baggage or are heartily seasick.

Of particular value are some handy phrases from Murray's Handbook of Travel Talk; the usefulness of the German phrase for "the coachman is drunk and impertinent" is only rivalled by that of "'tis is quite a hurricane. I am really much alarmed," the latter obviously coming in more pertinent in this time of global warming.

There are also a multitude of tips from a Rev. Tatchell, who dispenses many words of wisdom.."A llama has but one method of attack or defence and that is to spit in your eye, and the ploughing buffaloes of Siam, though driven with ease by a tiny native child, resent the smell of a white man."

"There are few beds more comfortable than a dry ditch in England in June. The law is that you must not sleep within fifteen yards of the middle of the road."

"Should you be attacked by a mob in the east, hurt one of the crowd and hurt him quickly. The others will gather chatting round the injured man and you will be able to slip away. However.. you are much more likely to be attacked by a dog."

Beauty tips for lazy backpackers

A random diet, an excess of carbs and lack of vitamins, plus a tendency to sleep at strange hours are contributing to my new look, which I can only describe as raddled.

This is a far cry from the scruffy backpacker chic beloved of summer Sunday supplement fashion shoots, where bronzed and scantily clad beauties lounge by roadside foodstalls, pouting glossily. In reality, I notice a certain tendency in travellers to slump with bad posture, stare sullenly with tired, bloodshot eyes and have unfortunate breakouts of acne and sunburn, so below I have put together a few beauty tips. Some of them are gathered with hindsight.

If you are leaving in the dead of British midwinter, it may be advisable to get a fake tan before you go. I cannot guarantee it, but it may go some way to avoiding the heckling one may suffer at the hands of Aussie labourers.

My make-up regimen consists entirely of black eyeliner and black mascara. However impromptu swims and afternoon downpours can leave you looking like a panda with a hangover, so get your eyelashes tinted before you leave home. Predictably I didn’t, as I didn’t know the procedure even existed until informed by a kindly beautician from Leeds.

Vaseline is a wonderful thing. Leave your lipstick at home, as it will melt in the heat; instead take a little tin of Vaseline which will melt, but will be less annoying. Use as a lip gloss, then smear a dab on your cheekbones for a healthy radiant glow. It can also be used to secure windswept eyebrows, on cracked heels and toes and to soften cuticles.

Slap on sunscreen, as the English girls I have seen with vast expanses of exposed red and peeling skin look like partially completed hog roasts and are always a topic of conversation amongst locals.

A hat is also a very good idea, as not only doea it prevent sun damage and wrinkles, but it also only takes a couple of days for a white squinty frown line to appear between one’s eyebrows. This I say from experience.

Take advantage of all the beach pedicures you can, as after a few months of sand, grit and filthy roads your feet may start to suffer, and if your toes and heels start cracking they can hurt quite a bit.

Your skin can also dry out very quickly, thanks to all the sun and sea, so mash up a ripe avacodo and plaster it thickly all over your face for 15 minutes. You will smell like a chicken salad but your skin will feel enriched and revitalized.

Pinch a cupful of porridge oats or muesli from the breakfast buffet if there is one, then tie it up in a sock. Float the sock in a bath full of hot water, then use as a moisturizing puff and massage all over your body. The sock will be a bugger to wash but your skin will feel wonderful.

Keep a couple of those little sugar sachets in your washbag, then when your skin is feeling dull, mix one with a squirt of shower gel for an invigorating body scrub. If you are swimming on a sandy beach, sit in the shallows and give yourself a scrub with a couple of palmfuls of sand to make your skin feel great.

Ditch the perfume as not only can the heat make it smell dreadful, but it also attracts mozzies and insects.